Around four weeks ago, I was feeling very positive about Christmas, as it was approaching. I left my paid employment in April, and around October I started to feel like I was gaining `control` over the long term management of my Fibro and all that goes along with it.
December was full of planning, pacing, preparation and looking forward to the school holidays :-)
The week of Christmas was busy, but again I was finding time to rest when needed and was getting better at listening to my body. My daughter and I happily undertook shopping and `making` things for Christmas day, finished shopping, wrapping of presents and we were looking forward to the festive season. I coped better this Christmas than the last 4 Christmases - which had (to be honest) had a fair amount of dread attached to them - due to the expectations of those around me and my anxiety that comes with that and stems from my concern that I would not cope very well.
Indeed, this year (pre christmas)- I had even be on the right track with following a healthy diet, supporting my body with good nutrition and undertaking gentle, daily exercise around 5 days a week.
I must have been feeling good - because in my optimism I invited another family to celebrate my Birthday at our home (14th January), and had an idea that we may have an informal lunch, and perhaps share this with some family and friends - maybe totalling 16 to 18 people. In my thinking was chicken platters, salads, finger foods - and a nice post christmas catch up before 2012 becomes hectic once again. I emailed some invites prior to Christmas, as I have learned over 43 years that this needs to be done earlier on, before the busy New Year period and holiday times for many.
WHAT WAS I THINKING ????
The reality slap came just this week - on Saturday 7th January to be precise!! When I began to feel the post Christmas stress/let down phase, together with the anxiety I feel when I am faced with overwhelming situations - (lucky for me!) this is one of my biggest challenges with my FMS.
You see, what had unfolded was a very good Christmas with minimal stress. The following day found us at our niece`s 21st Birthday (High Tea) and farewell as she leaves to work at Mt Isa :-(
The day after that we visited family up in Waikerie (Riverland) which was a day trip of approx 1.5 hours travelling each way. Although we had to travel, it was a low stress and very enjoyable event.
Next day we stayed at home - needed to do some sorting out after christmas...Rested!!
Then the next day, we packed up and travelled to our holiday van at Victor Harbor, approx 1.5 hours travelling. Arrived, unpacked and settled in for the next 3 days - intending to spend New Years Eve there....However, as we were then heading to Sydney for a 4 day family holiday on the 4th of January, it was decided we would head home early - to minimise stress and enable me some rest before our big Sydney trip! So, we returned home on New Years Eve, unpacked, setttled in, etc. New Years Day we stayed close to home - and kept things low key.
I was still managing all of this quite well, and making sure I was getting some rest time and pacing myself.
The next 2 days were spent repacking and focussing on the first family holiday we had been able to take for several years - mainly due to my illness. Also complicating our holiday and family time is the fact we have our own business and my partner ONLY gets this (short) period of time as his annual holiday!
I dropped the dog at her `boarding home` and we were finally prepared for our plane flight (early) the following morning!!
After a good flight, we found our apartment in The Rocks, Sydney, and settled in. This time it was my partner that was off colour and stayed at the apartment to sleep off his ill effects of the flight. Daughter and I ventured out to take a look around our near vicinity for a couple of hours....The following day we headed by ferry across the harbour to the fabulous Taronga Zoo, and had a HUGE but fabulous day!! Managed to get a 2 hour nap in that afternoon!!
The next 2 days were spent sight seeing - within my `window of opportunity time` (between 10:30am and 2:30pm) and saw what the time allowed. My partner (Brenton) went off to do some additional sights on his own, that were not of interest to me and our 10 year old daughter.
By Saturday 7th January, I was starting to feel the strain and the previous 2 weeks were beginning to take their toll - made worse in my mind, as I knew I still had more activities in sight! And also still another 2 weeks of school holidays to come :-)
We returned home late on Sunday 8th Jan, unpacked etc etc and settled in at home again. The following day was Brentons 50th Birthday and suffice to say I was not really up for having visitors coming through - though I felt guilty for this. However, we had gone to Sydney for this special Birthday - at Brentons request. The next few days at home meant more unpacking, child care, collecting the dog, bathing the dog, washing, and chores (food shopping etc) and these were now my responsibilities, as Brenton had to return to work on the Monday.
I then cancelled what plans I had made for my Birthday...I had a few days to spend at home, and catch my breath. Then, I had the choice that I could
1/ have a foot massage, and eye brows and waxing done on Friday OR
2/ I could run around getting things arranged for having people over for lunch on Saturday. Then I had cleaning up etc to also take care of afterwards.
Given what has unfolded over the last 3 weeks, I decided I couldnt cope with any more `work` and stress.
What I intend to do is head down to the beach (approx 25 mins drive), after a bit of a sleep in. Have late breakfast at the hotel on the beach...maybe take a walk, have a coffee and have some time to sit at the beach. I love the beach - it keeps me grounded and restores my soul....makes me feel peaceful - and thats what I need for my Birthday.
This concerns others - as until I had FMS, I was a very social and outgoing person, who would have taken the past 2 weeks into her stride and then some...then, would have arranged a celebration for my Birthday. They seem to feel bad for me - as they think I am depressed and think `I should` do something more exciting for my Birthday.
But, not this year...maybe not even next year.
I just want something very simple and to be able to enjoy my Birthday , the way that I choose to.
However, I have mixed emotions as a result of changing these plans.
I feel guilty - for cancelling the plans I had made, and keeping things low key. I feel the expectations of others around me.
I feel frustrated - that others dont really understand why I need to cancel and change plans.
I feel disappointed - that my life has changed so much and I am a little sad that I am not able to do what I would have chosen to do 10 years ago.
I even feel a little resentful - that Brentons Birthday comes before mine every year and we celebrate his and everyone is `over it all` by the time they get to mine. That we have to have such a busy time (through this period), and that my Birthday tends to pale into significance.
But, mostly - right now - I FEEL TIRED ....And I crave some `beach time` to replenish myself - and have a day off!
I recognise that awareness is the first step in healing or changing. I become more aware with each passing day.
I cant change the date of my Birthday, and I cant change the effects I feel from FMS.
I tried my best, to manage the best I could over the last 3 weeks.
Whilst I am not sure how well I will be able to manage these feelings, I do know that I can look back proudly over the last month and tell myself how well I have coped! I have done my best. We have had some great times, attended some great festivities and enjoyed family times. Its been worth it! :-) I need to keep focussed on the positives.
I cant worry about how others may react to the change of plans and cancelling what I had intended to do.
I can only look forward to a day (on Saturday) where I can minimise my stress levels and enjoy some fresh air, sunshine, and being at a place I love. I can make the most of the day and BE with my family and enjoy the simple pleasures that will bring me peace.
All I am doing is `going with the flow` and listening to my body. Doing what I need to do, for ME.
After all - its MY birthday.
I am yearning for simplicity (and the beach).
I am easy to please - so, I will keep it simple.
SIMPLE.......
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
(Lao Tzu)
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